Pages


Monday, June 22, 2015

GOOD PEOPLE ARE ENTITLED TO NOTHING. (Your Wahala na your own)

"I'm not going to ask you out again, maybe i'll do it once after your exam and that's it." I smiled back and started back to focusing. Focusing on not stumbling over even though I was leveled thanks to the black leather couch I was holding on to, or was it white? The straight up Hennessy was receiving an Oscar for the best closer of the night, among many other strong nominees, my bloodstream thought so.
I didn't like the music, the same nine Nigerian songs had been in rotation and I was over it. I was bored, I could tell because I was sitting, I wasn't keeping up with beat, I wasn't even humming along to the melody, I was listening to this man, with his grandiose sense of self worth.

You see, a series of events had left me in a weird place. I was searching for something... maybe a coping strategy, I wasn't quite sure what. It was odd, I'd given a considerable amount of time to finding myself, exploring the core of who I was, so why was I at this juncture? I had been shaken, like a house with it's foundation ripped. I was most of all frightened because I was unsure of what damages had been sustained. Just a mess.

Everything had changed, I had changed... 
Just like he and his grandiose sense of self worth were about to realize they were entitled to nothing, I had just realized that I was entitled nothing; there is no reward for being a good person. 
You see growing up, I was taught different. I was taught different versions of the motto: Good things always come to good people, especially those who believe in God... I was going to find other reasons to believe in God because it was simply not the truth. 'Believing' was not a gate way to the good life. Thankfully that part I realized earlier was a lie and owed gratitude to the bible for it, but the essence of who I was, was built on the foundation of the first half of that motto, Good things always come to good people, you do the right things and you'll be okay. My foundation was based on that Reward system.
I was wrong, I couldn't believe I didn't notice the blind spots of that theory till now. I was surrounded and constantly witnessing cases studies of people motivated by greed, selfishness, ignorance and more, being rewarded. I wasn't judging them, in fact I was envious and exhausted.

A good person like me, certainly didn't deserve to be sitting listening to this man tell me, I was not worth his time, but here I was, amused to an extent at his audacity... The way his voiced pierced through the loud music, how his words pounced out with such importance like they were needed to inspire a civil war, the respect he accorded to his low ball glass as he sipped the content of it through and through, as he screamed at me, "I'm not going to ask you out again, maybe i'll do it once after your exams and that's it."... I admired his arrogance. He was ignorant to my new findings, how else did he think he deserved my time, even though I had turned his advances down time and time again, how else did he think it was okay to talk to someone the way he just did to me, so I rewarded him. I played God cause God knows I needed to feel like I had some sort of control in my life. So here I was, I let him finish without throwing a drink to his face.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shit! I am going to let him know it's not okay to treat me like shit! 40 minutes waiting, and he thought the correct response to his horrible service was, "I'm not going to release your ID and Credit card to you till you fix your attitude?" I was a paying customer, paying customer for an overpriced drink.... couple of drinks, I was entitled to better service! Why was he so rude? I wondered. Weeks later from dealing with the Mr. and his grandiose sense of self worth, I was still struggling and angry, and now this? Abeg if they sent him to me, let him go tell them he found me. I pulled out my phone to call the police, as I played out every scenario of calling them, all ending with me looking idiotic, and ruining everyone's fun night but especially his. I couldn't see him from the bar where I was waiting, but he was here and my heart was giving my brain a run for it's money. Oh hell, I wasn't in love, but curiosity had always been my downfall, not love and he had the first.

Bartender finally brought my card and ID to my friend, who thought it was better if she handled the situation. She could see I was about to lose it, only he wasn't handled. I stared at the receipt and items he had just shoved back and I was livid, fuck him I thought, fuck him! "Go fuck yourself," I blurted out... I played God cause God knows I needed to feel like I had some sort of control... I got kicked out.

I stood outside, shaded while I watched the droplet of rain fall to the ground, I could still hear the music from the club as I thought to myself, how draining being angry was. I'd been so good to him, but it wasn't enough. I decided I was not going to do anything at the expense of my happiness, whether motivated by good or bad, not if I could help it. I didn't delude myself to think I had reached a resolution to getting myself back to me, but for tonight it was going to be enough because I was really tired of being sad. I was not going to wait for my reward, I was going to create it for myself.

For tonight, he'll my reward, my curiosity was going to be quenched. I took out my phone and typed, "Hey... I need you, what do you say... you take me home... to your home *insert straight face smiley*"
Send.
I sent it before I had the chance to delete it...

2:14 am, 2:15 am, 2:16 am, 2:17 am ...
Shit! I really shouldn't have sent that!